Women are often considered guilty of “losing their identity” once they become a mother.
Friends lightheartedly complain that their once-lively social media feeds are now purely full of baby photos, or that conversation seems to only swing in the direction of sleep routines and exploding nappy anecdotes.
Exercise buddies or other hobby partners (correctly) quip “haven’t seen you in a while” and “miss you!”.
Talk of girls nights on the town are promised but never gotten around to.
And let’s not forget there are still many women who are considered to be less qualified for their previous career, simply because they now have a child.
It’s true, for many women it seems like once they have a baby that their whole life becomes about their child.
That’s because it does.
The moment you come home from hospital with this new little creature, your whole day is now devoted to caring for them, to learning a whole new routine.
Of course this sidelines practically every other previous interest that mum had before baby.
It will stay that way for a time, that’s only natural – it may be a short time or a long time depending on your individual case – it doesn’t have to stay that way forever.
While at first your whole life may be about your baby, once you find your feet as a mum, you may find you have the either the time, or confidence to take some “me time” again.
Months down the road after having my baby girl, suffering with Postnatal Depression and Anxiety and chatting with my therapist, we discussed the things that I liked to do, the things that made me feel like “me”.
It’s safe to say, every suggestion that I came up with was also followed by “but I haven’t had the time to do that in a while” – in this case “in a while” means “since I had baby”.
Of course, we both knew that finding the time – even just five minutes a day – for me to indulge in something that helps me feel a sense of identity would be a good thing.
So we set targets of how many times a week I was going to, say, read a book (one of my favourite things to do), or practice yoga.
Had we not been in lockdown here in the UK, I would have added to that list going to a pole dance fitness class once a week, because that is something I love to do and used to participate in a lot before I got pregnant.
Even just thinking about the kinds of things that I (As a person. Me. Not mum) like to do made me feel a bit more like “me”.
Of course, it’s always difficult to find the time to dedicate to your own interests once your a mum, but I’ve come to find it’s so important.
The amount of conversations I’ve had with other mums who say “I don’t even know who I am anymore” is ridiculous.
Yes, having a baby has changed me utterly and completely, and my little girl is the most important thing in my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have an identity of my own too.
It’s just a little hidden right now.
But digging that identity back out, it’s not because I don’t want to be a mum 24/7.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Something my therapist said made everything click: Taking the time to nourish yourself and your sense of identity doesn’t detract from the dedication you show to your child, it helps grow and nurture you as a person, and therefore grow as a mother.
Meaning: Taking the time to continue your own interests and hobbies once you become a mum means you might become a better parent, because you’ll be feeling happier and healthier.
All the more reason to think about those things that feed your identity, and to start dedicating some time to them.
I asked mums about identity on my Instagram stories, asking what things help them feel like “them”.
One mum said just being able to sit quietly with a cup of tea did it for them – especially if it was also accompanied by a snack that they got to enjoy by themselves, without a small human whinging or grabbing for it.
Another mum said reading as well, another said spending time outdoors.
Other suggestions were running, getting coffee or drinks with friends, travelling (I feel that one strongly too!), and their career.
But many replied “I’m not even sure anymore”, and that seems to be a shared feeling among so many mothers across the globe.
For our own sanity, we need to find those things that help us feel like “us”, and then make sure we spend a little bit of time each day or each week doing those things.
It might seem hard at first, but it will be so worth it, for our own mental health as mothers.
So have a good think: What is it that helps you fuel your identity? What makes you feel like “you” these days?
Write a little list, and then also think about how you could incorporate those things back into your life on a regular basis.
Read more:
Motherhood: The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done
My Sweet Baby, Please Stop Growing
6 Reasons Why Mum and Baby Groups Are Awesome