Fears and feelings on COVID-19 pandemic

Tracksuit pants, endless cups of tea, Netflix binges, and napping with my baby – Life in isolation from Coronavirus, or COVID-19, on a day-to-day basis isn’t all that different from my life as a mum on maternity leave, but with a crushing weight of anxiety and a whole heap of life disruption sprinkled (or, rather – poured heavily) on top.

We’ve all been affected one way or another by the COVID-19 outbreak.

Either you’re self-isolating to help flatten the curve of the outbreak and keep others safe (Or you’re refusing to do so, complaining that your football has been cancelled, protesting that this has all gone “too far” and think it’s all a bunch of bullshit – in which case: You, my friend, are bullshit).

You or someone you love may be in actual quarantine with symptoms or following exposure to the virus. You may be working from home or unable to work at all. Your children may not be able to attend school or nursery.

You may be worried sick about a vulnerable person in your life catching the virus. You may have had holiday plans cancelled. The sporting activities you usually glue yourself to the television for are no longer happening. You couldn’t get toilet paper at the cleared out aisles of the supermarket:

In some way or another – large or small – I’m betting you’ve been affected.

For my little family, it’s meant a great deal. On a lesser scale, my fiancé has begun working from home, but in our little flat we don’t have a desk, nor even a dining table – he is uncomfortably perched at a small circular bar table and stool, with barely room for both his laptop and mouse.

Apart from an occasional (socially distant) walk to get some fresh air and Vitamin D, or our weekly grocery run because we kept our heads and didn’t panic buy (We’d prefer to use home delivery but our supermarkets delivery service is now booked up for the foreseeable future) we stay in our flat, safe in our little cocoon.

We were in the process of buying our first house, and were close to completing the deal. But now the discussions have gone silent, understandably so. We wish we were in our new house – much larger than our current 1 bedroom flat, and with a yard too – it would make isolation a lot more comfortable mentally and physically, especially for my fiance working from home.

When we’re inside, going about our usual daily habits – Changing my baby’s nappy (Right now I’m even more glad that we chose to go with cloth), cooking dinner, watching Netflix – we could almost forget that we are on lockdown, until we turn on the news, scroll through social media, or remember that we can’t go to the pub for lunch this weekend.

Of course, it’s not quite as simple as that, is it? It would be beautiful if the only disruption to our lives was the inability to go to the pub for a Sunday Sesh.

In reality, there are huge ramifications of this newly recognised virus that’s been infiltrating the world and sending so many countries into a tailspin.

We had a death on my fiance’s side of the family a week ago (not related to COVID-19), and their last days in hospital, then the grieving process for the family, has been made harder by the impact of Coronavirus. I won’t say much on this as it’s not my place, but I will say: Trying to arrange a funeral in these times has proved difficult and we’re currently unsure of what kind of a send-off we will be able to give our late loved one. With lockdown now in place, it’s going to be nigh-impossible to travel to attend the funeral. Obviously, that’s a difficult place to be in emotionally for the family right now.

The biggest disruption to us that COVID-19 has directly caused – that I feel comfortable talking about – is that we’ve had to cancel our wedding. We have been planning it for two years. It was set to be held in the backyard of my childhood home, back in Australia, with family and friends from both the UK and Australia joining us.

Obviously due to the travel restrictions, quarantine periods, and flight cancellations the world is seeing right now, we had to make the decision (Or rather, it feels like the decision was made for us) to cancel the wedding. I’m heartbroken the special day we had spent so much time and effort planning won’t be going ahead.

It’s sad, of course, devastatingly sad – but even worse, I think, is that the trip to Australia for the wedding was also meant to be our baby daughter’s first trip to meet my family. With the exception of my mother, who flew over after she was born 5 months ago, none of my family or friends from Australia have met her yet – and now we don’t know when they will finally get the chance.  We’re hoping at least, before she turns one year old – but at this stage, who knows?

My two best friends in Australia have also had babies since my last trip there, and so I’m anxious to meet their little boys too, and sad that it can’t happen yet – they’re growing so fast before my eyes through the photos I see, as is my little girl for them. I long to see them face-to-face, no longer through a screen.

I get more and more anxious as I see the news each day, with the spread of the virus growing both here in the UK and in my beloved Australia too. I feel fear for my family and friends. I feel anger towards those who are not adhering to the social distancing and health recommendations. I feel frustrated trying to explain why it’s important to people who don’t seem to get it. I feel sad that I was finally getting out and about to mum and baby groups, which was helping me (and so many others, I’m sure) recover myself from some postpartum depression and anxiety I have been experiencing, and now those groups have been cancelled.

Mostly, yes, I’m selfishly devastated at the impact COVID-19 has had on my life – I can’t deny that. Cancelling our wedding, calling off our baby’s first trip to my home country, struggling to farewell a family member, our house on hold: It’s all a heartbreaking situation and I hate it.

But of course I understand the reasons why we have these measures in place.

Why we are being asked to put our lives on hold.

Why we’re sinking further and further into lockdown, here in the UK, at least.

The safety and health of all is the most important thing. I think of my family members who have serious underlying health conditions, and while I’m sad that I won’t get to see them in a few months, I’m hopeful that with all of the measures in place to stem the spread of coronavirus, I will have the chance in the future to see them at all.

For that I will be grateful.

And when this has all passed – and it will pass – I’m sure I will also be grateful for this slow-down of life, giving us all an opportunity to reflect on what is most important to us.

Grateful for the current changes to our usual world, albeit how stressful they may be.

Grateful for the lives they will save.